I love fucking, abusing commas.

Uh-oh. Trader Joe's is playing "Shout". Hold my Mueslix while I get a little bit softer now. I SAID HOLD MY FUCKING MUESLIX.

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I want to yell HEY IS THAT CANDY CAN I HAVE SOME

You can tell a lot about a person during the opening of Queen's "Under Pressure" depending on how bummed they are it's not "Ice Ice Baby".

My hair is 6 inches shorter & a totally new color but nobody said one word at the staff meeting, they were just all, "Why are you so drunk?"

First rule of house cleaning while listening to power ballads: The toilet brush is NEVER the microphone.

Wanted to tweet "I'm hella tired" but my phone keeps autocorrecting "hella" to "REALLY? HELLA? YOU ARE A GROWN-ASS LADY, KNOCK IT OFF."

Tell your 19 year old intern “Corey Haim died” and her blank stare will shame you right the fuck back into getting on with your day.

This "fancy" wine rack I got for Christmas is total crap. NONE of these boxes fit at all.

Seriously guys, ramen noodles are very versatile. You can eat them w/ or without all the crying over every bad decision that's led you here.

I think my favorite part of today is how everyone can just go fuck themselves.

HEAVY FLOW! PRETTY CRAMPY! KINDA CLOTTY! This has been my uterine update for the @GOP because we know they're so interested. YOU'RE WELCOME!

This is bullshit, the other ladies want to kick me out of their little baking club just for putting a sex dungeon in the gingerbread house.

WHY DOES IT SAY FUTURE HUSBAND IN MY PHONE CONTACTS

Shhh, quiet, I am working on a sexy slow jam. What rhymes with cold sore?

At the pool, 3 women in front of me wearing bikinis, sharing a ginormous sub sandwich. This is how pornos start in the Midwest.

"Are you afraid you'll regret never having children?" CHASE Bank's online security questions are a little out of control.

"Even those women on Hoarders have husbands." Not helping, mom.

Pro-Tipsy: drinking is the best way to kill time waiting for cookies to cool before decorating WOOOHOOO WHO WANTS MOTHERFUCKIN SPRINKLES

How much can you bench press? No, BENCH PRESS. Not FRENCH PRESS. Man, they are literally going to kill you in prison.