I have a new doctor. He wanted to check my prostate and I told him that I don't do that on the first appointment.

I am two women away from a three way.

I like walking around the house naked. I just have to make sure it is my house next time.

I star tweets, because I remember how important those stars were in kindergarten.

My girlfriend and I were happy for 18 years, then we met.

I am getting old. When I fall, my friends don't laugh anymore, they get concerned.

I remember the first time I had sex. I just found the receipt. ;)

I am a gentleman...







..... Based on the clubs I go to.

They should play porn movies at the gas station, so I can watch someone else getting screwed.

I wish my English papers were 140 characters or less.

Ever notice when you let someone walk in front of your car at a stop sign, the longer they take, the more they look like bowling pins?

Ever notice that people with bad breathe always has a secret to tell you.

My New Years toast: Here is to being single, seeing double, thinking positive and testing negative. ;)

I like asking people what is a Shake Weight, then watch them do the "jerking off" motion.

I have a tattoo on my penis that says "I love you". My girlfriend says I am always putting words in her mouth. ;)

In Facebook, you receive friend requests. In Twitter, you receive friend with benefit requests. I have to check my DM.

We must stop species from becoming extinct, like polar bears, manatee, and women who give blow jobs after marriage. ;-)

You know when a woman is about to dump you: she loses weight, she goes out with her friends more, and she sells your stuff on eBay.

I wonder if Superman gave a flying fuck.

A cop pulled me over. He asked if I was drinking. I asked if he was buying.