Im 99% certain the Twitter chicks that focus solely on their sexual prowess are in fact the same frigid bitches their husbands tweet about.

That's ok #FF, I don't need your validation. I have a vagina and boobies. I win.

I tried driving today without texting, eating or getting high but it was so boring I fell asleep at the wheel. Thanks, Oprah.

Kid describes new g/f: Pretty but w/big nose. Not thickbig, just longbig.

Me: I don't want any beaky fuckin grandkids.

Kid: Anal it is.

Found dead bunny in pool skimmer. After dumping it in the trash, it started kicking. Evidently, I'm Jesus.

Related: Jesus peed her pants.

Stingy stargivers are the same jerks who pass out Bazooka Bubble Gum on Halloween and send Fig Fuckin Newtons to school on their kid's bday.

Some days I get discouraged and think wow, Twitter folk have seriously high star standards. Then I read the leaderboard and think, silly me.

Grocery shopping w/Cuntyboss. She wore 8inch red stripper heels despite my advice to the contrary.

Yep. That bitch be trippin.

Twice.

Sometimes, late at night, I stop by Walgreens and switch up all the colors in the hair dye kits.

Blondes don't have more fun, they simply have lower standards.

I stopped by the unemployment office for an impromptu tweetup but nobody was LOLing and everybody had on pants. You guys are bigfat liars.

What I learned from our Girl's Weekend:

1. My friends are drunken cougary slutbags w/way too much money.

2. I enjoy vicarious living.

Don't hate me bc I'm beautiful. Hate me bc I'm old, smoke weed and can STILL kick your ass at the gym & the library. Oh. And most NES games.

Just passed a fancy neon 'Don't text and Drive' billboard on the highway. Sooo fucking distracting.

Do your boobs hang low? Do they wobble to & fro? Can you tie 'em in a knot? Can you tie 'em in a bow?

Then for fucksake, stop posting 'em.

I miss the 80's. Ya think the Breakfast Clubbers lost touch, found each other again on FB, realized that FB sucked, then lost touch again?

Watching my neighbor hold the pooper scooper under her dog's ass reminds me of my Dairy Queen days. Dear Nature, please send wind gust NOW.

A wise man once said 'Yes, dear.'

I betcha the folks that get a bazillion stars but hand out very few make really shitty Secret Santas and Friends w/Benefits.

Dear Tampon,

I appreciate your thirst for knowledge but regret to inform you we have no other positions available. Hang in there.

Mgmt.