Isn't fantasy football basically dungeons and dragons for the guys who beat up kids who played dungeons and dragons in high school?

Sure she's a. Trophy wife. It's just one of those tiny trophies that say "participant"

My powers as a wing girl are impressive, but not limitless. I can lead the whores to vodka, but I can't make them think.

Few things make you bring your A game faster than being the white girl in hip hop class. But at least my ghetto booty finally fits somewhere

‎How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?
It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it.

Dear yoga lady, Locking my ankles behind my head in a co-ed class is creepy. Never paying for my own energy drink ever again is a plus tho.

I would rather use the bathroom from Trainspotting than Internet Explorer.

"You are what you eat" is the worst argument for healthy food ever. Why would I want to be broccoli when I can be birthday cake?

Every time I get stars and think I'm funny, I stop and remember i'd get 5x as many if I changed my avi to a zombie with bacon boobs.

Judging by the white rich girl teaching this hip hop class I can only imagine the lady they bus in from the convent to teach pole dancing.

Label Porn/secret files NIckelback. Anyone who looks in it will be ashamed enough to keep quiet, or has proved their opinion of no value.

That awkward moment when 5 free iPhone apps do everything you paid $80,000 to go to art school for.

They're referring to Kim Kardashian's perfume as a "voluptuous new fragrance". Is that a nice way of saying it smells like ass?

Gotta love Janis Joplin. Bitch was brushing with Jack before Ke$ha was even a slutty glitter fetus.

Me in hip hop is like Keanu's acting. I can look cute and hair flip enough to get by, but it's pretty clear I have no idea what's going on.

Getting the hang of twitterlingo.. "Live tweeting" is twitterspeak for "annoy the shit out of everyone following me for a hour or so" right?

So they've finally admitted Forest Whittaker is what happened when they switched Cookie Monster to veggies. good job, douchebags.

If you tweet about Farmville, just know I want to stab you with a pitchfork and leave you in an abandoned barn.

What is this about bath salts being the new designer drug? I've been snorting calgon all morning and no one's taken me ANYWHERE.

If I had a dollar for every time I got called"crazy white girl" I'd probably have a pretty impressive collection of yoga pants...