I chose not to drive the Ferrari today because I don't own one.

I should warn you, I brought my B average game today. Be non-threatened, be very non-threatened.

I don't care what it is, a kids toy shouldn't say, "Try me! See Bottom!"

You ever notice how terrorists look like terrorists?

My astrologist says to not use sarcasm today. I guess that means I can't be on twitter.

What I find really useful about cell phones is you can call people on them.

Look a the eyes, look at the eyes, look at the eyes... BOOBBIES!!!!!!!!!

Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it... sorry I got nothing.

The voices in my head want me to learn how to use spell check. I told them to fuck off.

After the entire semester of studying relationship building it's kind of ironic that I'm gonna get an A in the class but stay single.

My scotch is calling me. It's saying you need me. I know Scotch, I know.

So let me get this straight. They held a music awards show. I didn't know there was enough good music being made today to need one.

My therapist would be disappointed with how much my happiness relies on twitter.

What is it about Monday's that makes me want to drink... oh right, being sober.

Your welcome to follow me but I make no promises that I know where I'm going.

I'm always wrong, it's like being married again. I thought being divorced would give me a chance to be right once in a while.

Is it sad that my reason for living is to make the Leaderboard again?

I have a list for you, how many bannanas will my son waste this weekend. Is that even a list? Shut up.

Oprah retiring? Where am I gonna get my life skills advice from now?

My son wiped his snot and drool on my shirt. That, folks, is how a 2 year old leaves his mark.