"Come on... come on... come on... come on. Come on. Com-- COME ON. Come on... come on... come on...." -- Guy walking his cat on a leash.

I broke two glasses while vacuuming. I would vacuum that up, too, but I know a vicious cycle when I see one.

Do not store your eyeliner in the same compartment as your art pens. You will be in a rush some day.

No one fucking proofreds.

The most annoying part about having people over is taking the plastic off the couch. OH GOD I WISH I WERE JOKING.

The bank teller looked at my cheques and said, "You work in theatre?" Then she told me she was jealous. Even *after* she saw the amounts!

Okay, so an Atheist and a Jew walk in to a bar... and actually, we'll be here for a few hours if you feel like joining us.

Need a word for this platonic rush of affection I'm feeling. Am I still allowed to call it a "girl crush" if I'm a big lesbo?

Paying penance for not cleaning the couch. I'm now wearing my cat hair shirt.

These aren't just frown lines. These are you've-got-to-be-fucking-kidding-me lines.

"Yeah, me and San Andreas used to hang all the time. He was always short on cash, but I covered him." -- Guy who was nice to a fault

Just saw a guy riding a hybrid bike/elliptical trainer. If it isn't called an "ellipsycle" I'm writing some angry letters.

"May I ask why you changed tables? Was it the worms?" "No, it was because... Wait. What?" "Worms." "Well, NOW it's because of the worms!"

The number of times your cats vomit on your floor will be positively correlated to the number of guests you are expecting any minute.

To the 60-yr-old wearing rhinestone glasses and high-heeled boots who just rode past on her pink cruiser: see you when I'm you in 30 years.

Slightly nervous about what seems to be a twitter account suicide pact amongst the Favstar people. Only nervous because I tried the punch.

If I bludgeon this guy while we're on the ferry, I won't get in trouble, right? What do you mean by "These aren't international waters"?

Today, I became the kind of person whose cat kisses her on the lips in front of guests.

We're celebrating our anniversary today. It was actually on some other day but, you know... we both forgot. SEE? MADE FOR EACH OTHER!

Oh thank god, my landlord finally left. Now I can go back to learning Thompson Twins songs on my ukulele.