I came home tonight shitfaced, climbed into bed, and started rubbing my wife's cock. At that exact moment I realized I was in the wrong apt.

I finally heard my daughters first words today! She said "Dad, where the fuck have you been for the last 20 years?!"

I remember a time when I was much younger and had an infinite supply of drugs and booze. Then some cocksucker cut the umbilical cord.

Jersey Shore would be so much better without Mike, Paulie, Sammi, Vinnie, JWOW, Deena, Ronnie, and oh yeah, that little Mexican guy Snookie.

There was a blackout on my street tonight. Thank god the cops arrested him.

I bet those 72 virgins have already taught bin laden how to play dungeons & dragons.

Hey guy who created spinner hubcaps. Good one, that was funny.

Ok so women are posting on YouTube their pregnancy test results. We get it. Someone actually fucked you.

It was hard getting my roommate to take nude pics of me. I was like "C'mon Ma! This wicked hot chick on twitter wants to see my junk!"

When a dog licks his balls its ok, but when he licks mine it's wrong?

I pulled a muscle today. I pulled it about 127 times. Then it threw up.

All you chicks with the hot avis and sick and twisted humor. I'm scared to ever meet any of you in person. I truly am.

Hey, fat chick walking 1.3 MPH on the treadmill with the extra large iced double mocha caramel fuckin coffee. How's the workout going?

Me saying "wow, he's a talkative little one" means, "shut your fucking kid up."

Trying to pick out which one of your avi's I'm gonna jerk off to. You're all so damn cute!

If I was Micheal J Fox, I'd Gorilla Glue my hand to my dick.

If my ex-wife was a transformer she'd be called Megafatsweatycuntbitchatron.

What's the difference between jelly & jam? You can't jelly your cock down some girls throat.

when my asshole itches that means I've got money coming in the mail, right?

Hey 80 year old lady wearing no bra, point your fuckin nipples elsewhere. Thanks.