Woman smiles politely at Guy as they pass each other in office hallway. Guy thinks to himself, "She wants it." #UniversalTruth

I'm probably the only guy who goes in Hurt Locker style to open a popping biscuit tube.

Now that they took out Bin Laden could we get someone to take out the douchebag terrorists at Westboro Baptist Church

Most people could use an autocorrect for their mouths.

I don't care if the drapes or carpet match. I'm just grateful you're sharing your decor with me.

9: Dad, imagine if there wasn't any religion and people didn't have anything to fight about anymore. Me: You should write a song about that.

No one who's stupid knows they're stupid. That's the conundrum that got them there in the first place.

When ppl from Michigan tell me where they're from, I nod in confusion til they hold up their hand & point on it. Don't do that w\Florida tho

I sometimes forget that women may tell you things just to vent. They do NOT want you to suggest any solutions.

Ran out of wet food and now the cats are staring at me like I'm a cartoon roasted turkey.

Have you ever seen a male porn star fill up his gas tank? When he's done he pulls out the nozzle & spews gas all over the windshield.

What's the deal with bacon around here? I always feel like the last to know something. Do I need to go to urbandictionary again?

I'll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

Tonight I will make sweet love to one of your avi's... babe, dude, body-part, cat, parrot, monkey, ketchup bottle, I don't give a damn.

Wasn't sure if this day was completely worthless then I found 3 Blockbuster gift cards at the bottom of the drawer. I'm sure now.

Caring about who is allowed to marry whom is rediculous. Everyone should be equally entitled to misery with the person of their choosing.

Do you know why men are so afraid of marriage? Because nearly 50% of all marriages end up lasting forever. BaDoomChing I'll be here all week

It isn't easy. Few will survive. Look at the tweeter to your left. Look at the tweeter to your right. In a month one of you will twittercide

The only time I'm ever embarrassed to be an American is when I'm overseas and observe obnoxious Americans. #common

Mosquito season is upon us so use protection. I read that it's only the females that bite us. The males just hump your leg.