Go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby. He'd be so freaked out that a baby is trying to murder him, you'll have the element of surprise.

You're only limited by your own imagination! And money. And talent. And genetics. And time. And other people. Go for it!

I missed out on that whole "planking" craze because I have a job and an education and a life.

Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.

"No degrees of separation" - what I'll whisper to Kevin Bacon after I climb over his security fence at 3am and slip into his bed naked.

SOPA and PIPA make perfect sense. If I owned a shopping mall, I'd probably burn it to the ground if it meant I could stop a few shoplifters.

My cat's staring at the wall again. Either she can see ghosts, or she's mulling over past social situations she wishes she'd handled better.

To prevent a stiff neck and shoulders, slowly rise from your office chair every ten minutes and shriek "THIS ISN'T THE LIFE I DREAMED OF!"

If you're the type of person who doesn't have a favourite dinosaur, go fuck yourself.

With homosexual behavior having been observed in 1,500 species, I would say that God is not only okay with homosexuality, but super into it.

So if you fuck up a parallel park twice in front of strangers, you just drive to another city and start your life over?

Write the name of someone you hate on your body everyday in permanent marker, so no matter how you die they'll become a suspect.

Only you can prevent forest fires, and last year there was over 70,000 of them. What the fuck man. We trusted you.

Always carry $100,000 cash on you at all times in case you ever feel like getting a sandwich from an airport.

One day your children will gather together and look at the 9000 photos you took of yourself pouting alone in a bathroom mirror. What a life.

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, that's who. Grow up.

Salvador Dali once said "I don't do drugs. I am drugs." That's the kind of shit people say when they're on drugs.

A follower has informed me that I'm close to losing them. You can't imagine how this makes me feel, unless you can imagine a guy shrugging.

I always type "please" at the end of my Google searches because I'm not an asshole.

I was late to work today because I had to alternately ask my cat if she's my fuzzy baby and then tell her that she's my fuzzy baby.