Made my day: in hospital elevator with 2 women. Woman pushing man in wheelchair enters. He looks at the 4 of us and says, "I like my odds."

"Kill them with kindness." That's a thing, right? A non-punishable thing, right? Just need some clarification here before proceeding.

Know why there's no Cat Whisperer? Because that person would be whispering, "Please get these claws out of my arm." Not much of a TV show.

One of my cats likes to get my attention by scratching my left arm. I know one day he'll finish and I'll be able to read the message.

I don't have a milkshake. Or a yard. I have Arizona Green Tea with Ginseng and Honey and a deck. What'll that bring?

Based on fur in the brushes from grooming the cats and what's in the vacuum after cleaning furniture and carpets, my cats should be nekkid.

Waiting for the man to come and service my heat pump. That would make a good euphemism, wouldn't it?

Pencil skirts are in now? Mine would need to be like those giant red pencils they gave us in kindergarten.

Have you ever wondered if a person can take too much imodium? I unintentionally did the research and the answer is, "Yes!"

Looking at my many cookbooks and recipes, I conclude that these are decorative and not functional.

I heard that eating a banana before bed = weird dreams. I just ate one; am also taking a hydrocodone pill. Doing my part to advance science.

3 months housebound in T-shirts and undies + lots of time on Twitter = almost leaving condo without pants twice this week.

Ninjas who only work at night must have lousy social lives. I guess they can only date other ninjas. It's not as glamorous as we think.

Wishing really hard for bacon, eggs, and toast. Staring at pan and stove. Nothing. I really need to work on my super powers!

Just brushed my teeth before taking out the trash. Good hygiene: it's not just for the workplace.

Accidentally washed and dried a Magic Eraser; now I have to see if any of my clothes disappeared. Wonder if the Eraser has lost its power?

Stack of helicopters from APG just flew over the condo. Either the local parade is starting or we're in big trouble. I should get pants.

Just lugged a 38-pound container of fresh cat litter up 31 steps. Excuse me while I go over to this corner for some cardiac arrest time.

Swing, batter, batter! Steal the base! Look sharp! What? I'm talking like a pirate. Isn't today talk like a Pittsburgh Pirate Day?

New slogan: "Life. Much of it is spent waiting with your pants down." This came to me while in the surgeon's exam room this week. Catchy?