I can't sleep. I'm about to go drive myself around the block.

I washed and conditioned our leather sofa tonight in case anyone wants to come over and stand around.

Alec Baldwin is never going to fly American Airlines again? On behalf of everyone at the airline, thank you!

There isn't an instrument on this earth that can measure my disinterest in the NBA.

Sure, I have emotional baggage but it is all cute and matches.

I like to keep the lines of communication open with my co-workers by starting every conversation with "state your business and move on"

Will be in my rental Chevy Cobalt LT for another week. Holla at your girl.

My kids call cabs "yellow pizza cars" if you'd like an example of how much I cook.

My grocery list starts with ribs and ends with deodorant.

@SportsSturm I feel like you are being forced to perform your exit song on American Idol. So cruel. Give the man a minute.

My five year old has a cough. This means about every 30 seconds I'm reminded I wish I had a dog instead.

iPad users, please get over yourselves.

My dad likes to ask me to do stuff on 30 minutes notice and than act like we've had it planned for 6 weeks when I can't do it.

I guess I can blame Jesus for everyone wearing flip flops? At least he had the decency to get his feet washed along the way.

If you email me a video, there is a 100% chance I won't watch it.

Adding to my list of words that aren't words. Let's recap, shall we?
1. Expecially (my favorite)
2. Anyways
3. Probly
4. Irregardless

I have to get up to move the laundry to the dryer before bed. Just like Laura Ingalls Wilder used to do in Little House on the Prairie.

Still not feeling well. Just crawled into bed with all my clothes on like I used to do when I was never-years-old.

Ok, people who wear pajamas and/or slippers out in public, you're disgusting and so is your house (I bet).

Tim Tebow could get more ass than a NYC subway, but his morals rule out 99.9% of all women in the world.