Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes in the bathroom.

Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who's day he wanted to ruin

New York has "I ♥ NY". Unfortunately Kentucky can't use that marketing idea.

I wonder what my car did to scare the crap out of all those birds perched above it.

Since the census form said more ppl = more money for the neighborhood, I put 700 ppl live in my house. My street is going 2 be made of gold.

It's sad when the voices in my head tell me they really don't have time to talk right now.

"....gets out tough stains like wine, grass and blood." Well I know what detergent I'm going to be using after our next family reunion.

...and for a few fleeting seconds, after reading the headline "Make Your Own Homemade Snickers Bars", my world literally stood still.

Hendrix died at 27.
Joplin died at 27.
Morrison died at 27.
Cobain died at 27.
Winehouse died at 27.

How old is Chris Brown again?

Why do I feel sorry for today's young people? They helped make Twilight what it is.

Good luck trying to deny that one in 20 years.

Facebook is trying to get people to use Bing? Do the people at Bing, even use Bing?

Wait....when I clicked on my name, Twitter said that I didn't exist.


A lot of my questions have just been answered.

Son: "Those ADD jokes you tell make me angry" Me: "Did U see Daft Punk's new video?" "Yeah it was awesome!" "Still angry?" "About what?"

My boss has been nice to me for the last couple of weeks.
I'm. So. Scared.

There are some words that SHOULD NEVER BE GOOGLED! I'm gunna to go rock back & forth in a corner and hope that image gets repressed quickly.

My son said that putting velcro together was too much work. I guess I should plan on him not getting that scholarship.

Back from vacation with my dad. Lots of emotional scars made.
I mean memories! Lots of memories.

Dark repressed memories.

Does anybody else start humming the "Mission Impossible" theme when they're on the toilet and realize there's no toilet paper?

When it comes to grammar, I have three levels, worse, worser, and worstest.

I can tell when a woman's mad at me, simply by the way she swings the bat at my head.