I expect my pussy be eaten with the same enthusiasm as Pooh Bear facefucks jars of honey.

Don't hate me because I'm cute, bright, kind, or silly. Do so because I'm fucking borderline racist and steal from blind kids.

My therapist asked me to list my good qualities:

Nice to everyone's face
Usually wear deodorant
Thin cheese slicer

That took four hours.

We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.

Fortune cookies can go fuck themselves. You don't know me.

Hey, people who never favorite tweets! Fuck you. Fuck your mom. Fuck your dog. Fuck your face.

Almost done making a 12-month calendar of skinny women crying into salads.

How long has it been since sex? If I were raped I would probably finish first.

If building a shed requires a permit so should making a fucking human being.

A negative pregnancy test should shoot confetti out the end.

Best part of having to poop at PetSmart is you can just do it in aisle 5.

"Drinks are on us!" - Titties

Don't get mad. Get very, very quiet and let it kill you a little inside.

I rather be caught doing meth than playing Farmville.

"Thank you for your hardwork and attention. Here's some warm salty goo coming your way." - Men

I hope my friends have a secret pact to get me laid by Friday.

I would really love to judge a pussy eating contest.

RT if you've ever sneaked rubbing one out while the other person in bed was asleep. If you haven't; it's fucking glorious.

A boyfriend? What I really need is someone to pay loans and fuck me when I'm drunk. I think that's called a first husband.

"Turn signals are for pussies."

- Same guy who removes smoke detector batteries for his Xbox controller