The good news is, I'm not pregnant. The bad news is I have no reason to be.

If I ever have kids, I hope they like grilled cheese sandwiches, tomato soup from a pop-top can, or starving to death.

Someday my Prince will come. And he'll be like, "I would die 4 U." And I'll be like, "Spell that out, you lazy bastard."

Some people are just too nice to hate. I hate people like that.

I'm trying to be less passive-aggressive these days. Unlike SOME people.

I'm not a bad driver, I just like giving the gift of near-death experiences.

Man, pretty girls get all the good stalkers. Who do I have to blow to get objectified around here?

I want to play Scrabble, but don't have an iPhone. Fuck! If only there were some other option.

I like oscillating fans because they give me something to look forward to.

I'd twitpic one of my bras, but I'd have to stand on the roof of my house to get the whole thing in frame.

You should make jokes on the Internet about how stupid I am. Everyone will love that! - My mom

Retail: for when ALMOST completely dead inside isn't dead inside enough.

For some reason, babies don't seem to like me. Or little kids. Also, regular kids. And teens, and old people. Adults, too.

Today, I walked past a ringing pay phone. Now, I'm afraid I've missed out on my destiny.

Anyone else feel kinda sorry for the guy who plays the bundle of leaves in Fruit of the Loom commercials? He's not even proper fruit.

First page of Twilight, already found some pronoun-antecedent issues. Hope the library doesn't mind my returning this book full of red ink.

Cats are like walking depression sensors. This one just said, "I see you're needlessly emotional. I will allow you to pat my belly now."

I fear my follower count has reached its natural apex. Time to take some pouty-lipped cleavage shots from an angle that hides my face fat.

According to Facebook, a friend has come by to fertilize my crops. If only.

My life can never be complete until I've told a local news reporter, "He always did seem odd. Kept to himself, mostly."