Macaulay Culkin was scared of the old man in Home Alone because the man is his future: http://t.co/23rPZSzu

PMSing so badly I have an urge to write an angry email to yogurt companies about their commercials only being directed towards women.

Netflix would be perfect if it also had hardcore porn & video games.

Thought the people one table over were praying but they're just looking at their phones.

FACT: Time travel is made up of one part 80s lightning.

There are things that you shouldn't do..buy bed sheets from a grocery store, tacos from burger king, or condoms from the dollar store.

Today many mistakes will be made, 9 months later they will have names.

Pretty sure if I ever have a baby it will be the only cute thing to come out of my vagina.

There's so much I want to do right now. Ah fuckit I'm just going to watch crappy TV & internet.

Heard the manager mention wearing elf hats. If this happens, I quit.

If only my uterine lining were made out of confetti, every period would be a party in my pants.

Forecast tomorrow: another day where a disgusting amount of leggings will be paired w/ sandals.

Can Morgan Freeman do everyone's #Oscars acceptance speech for them? Please.

Love how my mom still leaves the car window open a crack as if I'm a child or pet that can't do it themself.

Refuse to put a work # in my phone because I'm afraid of ass or drunk dialing it.

RT: @jtimberlake It's gonna be May.

Turns out my toothbrush falling in the toilet this morning actually was a metaphor for the rest of the day.

Had a deaf woman in my line. She didn't know to respond to "fuck the police," the only sign language I know.

Websters dictionary describes "intern" as.....A person who babysits the copy machine.

My parents act surprised by any small noise I make. Am I really dead & haunting them?