Just read somewhere that stress makes you smarter. If that's true I should be splitting an atom in my kitchen sink sometime later tonight!

I am glad that McDonalds does not sell hot dogs. Seriously I could never order a "McWeiner" with a straight face.

have you ever looked at somebody and said to yourself, "that's the sperm that won?"

I don't have an attitude, it's called a personality. Sorry you don't have one.

"Strap-on" is "no-parts" spelled backwards. Coincidence??

My secret to remain employed is to just keep repeating to myself: "it's not worth the jail time, it's not worth the jail time."

I have a plan! All i need is a bucket, 8 rolls of duct tape, a flamethrower, some rope, a chair, a C-4 explosive & an accomplice.

Has come to the conclusion that the weekend is a man, it comes too quick then you don't hear from it for a week!!

The irony of a blowjob, although you've got the woman kneeling at your feet, They've still got you by the balls!

I think men should come with a report like a used car does, Show me the MAN FAX!!

If I survive this week I would like my straight jacket in pink!

Spiked hair, tats, and a cig hanging out your mouth still doesn't make you look cool when driving a vespa! #justsaying

Vodka and I are no longer listed as in a relationship. It abused my body last night and no, I don't wish to talk about it!

Forecast for tonight; mild alcoholism, w/ 70% chance of poor decisions & impaired judgment. Increasing chance of regret & hangover Sunday!

Being perfect may have been okay for Barbie, but remember she ended up with Ken, the man with no dick!

Every time I see a guy with a "No Fat Chicks" sticker on his truck I assume he's a douchebag who never gets laid! #justsaying

The city wouldn't grant the business for my pet grooming company! I wanted to call it, "doggy style". I don't know what the big deal is....

There's definitely a problem when you have too much blood in your alcohol system. Seek help immediately!!!

Well hello there Mr Hangover.. I have 3 words for you ; Your A C*nt!!!

still wonders what rabbits have to do with eggs, let alone chocolate ones!