@mytweecwetlife best tweets

I think self checkout was invented by a guy who had to buy tampons

@mytweecwetlife

In public bathrooms I will sometimes use the childrens urinal in order to feel like a giant

@mytweecwetlife

Having a "Plan B" shows a lack of commitment to "Plan A"!

@mytweecwetlife

If Silence is Golden, shouldn't duct tape be gold instead of Silver?

@mytweecwetlife

I'm drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is?

@mytweecwetlife

If you got attacked by a bunch of homeless people would you be bummed?

@mytweecwetlife

Wife:will you load the dishwasher? Me:oh yeah baby i'll put a load in you. currently: washing dishes and not getting laid tonight

@mytweecwetlife

one daughter left in the house all i have to do is get her married off then i can have my naked room

@mytweecwetlife

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I have a friend named Scott who still forwards chain emails. As soon as I figure out what to do w/ the body I'll be Scott-free.

@mytweecwetlife

i've been texting so much lately that i move my thumbs from side to side when i'm actually talking to someone

@mytweecwetlife

Rainbows in trouble spend time in Prism

@mytweecwetlife

I once threw a rock 5,280 feet, it was a milestone

@mytweecwetlife

If you don't have a foot we can't be friends I'm lack toes intolerant

@mytweecwetlife

If I reply "what?" in a text it means reword it, It doesn't mean I didn't hear you the first time

@mytweecwetlife

the people who get starred and never star back I suspect are the same people who like to receive oral and never give it.

@mytweecwetlife

No officer I wasn't texting and driving I was tweeting and driving totally different

@mytweecwetlife

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my wife's trying to resort to sex to get me off of twitter, foolish girl, ok guys i'll be back in 2 minutes

@mytweecwetlife

I was told if I souped up my car it would go faster, all Minestrone did was destroy the engine, I should have gone with Tomato.

@mytweecwetlife

2 chickens ran out in front of me, I swerved and missed one but clipped the other, he landed on his feet though, it was poultry in motion.

@mytweecwetlife

If someone were actually rolling on the floor laughing while texting wouldn't it look more like hak*cgfesxfwsnchjksa

@mytweecwetlife

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