Fucking american flag gets 50 stars without even TRYING.

"Claptrap" is an old-people word for "vagina", right?

If my mom knew I was on twitter, she'd be like, "Young lady! Go to your room and clean up your timeline!"

what if the Rapture already happened and only the unicorns got to go?

I'm only going to say this twice this.

When you thank people for RTing you, then complain about people who RT a lot, it makes me want to vomit in your silverware drawer.

I just realized that the one thing that invariably makes me horny is a well placed semicolon.

I RT because I care.

Also, so you can know I haven't killed myself yet.

I was just over on facebook, "like"-fucking a bunch of people, but it just felt so empty and meaningless.

I'm never embarrassed about having loud sex in my apartment. I know my neighbors prefer it to hearing me sob myself to sleep.

If I put a "star" button on my clit would that make it any easier??

I'm an atheist, but I decided to have an imaginary God, so when my imaginary friend sleeps with my imaginary boyfriend, He can smite them.

OMG i just got my first-ever stars and oooooh! that tickles!!

When you say, "You're worth a follow", it makes you look like a giant scrotum who also says condescending things.

Why haven't we taught kittens how to box yet?? Most Adorable Bloodsport EVAR!!!

The most delicious tangerines are always the ones that look like bright orange inside-out vaginas.

I just realized that "<3" is not supposed to be a butt with a party-hat on... I must've burned a lot of bridges replying, "I fart you too!!"

Gross! Get a DM!

Will you be my boyfriend? Asking for my boyfriend. :(

Finally achieved my weight-loss goal of "slightly less back fat" !!!!
Fellas??