I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more vodka.

I would not like them here or there.
I would not like them anywhere.
I do not like porn bots and spam.
I do not like your follow scam.

"I pity the Flu" - Mr. T Cell

I am not bitter, I am resentful. There is a difference. One may be resentful and still taste great.

I don't celebrate the Jewish New Year. I'm still upset about what they did to my penis.

Yelling "Fuck this!" and storming out of the office loses some impact when you are working from home. It still feels good though.

I think I speak for everybody on Twitter when I say blah blah blah blah.

My vegetarian friend could not understand why I brought a bottle of catsup on our hiking trip. “In case we get lost.” He’s slow. Tasty slow.

All things considered, it is more like a dick of corn than an ear of corn.

Some people rake leaves, others blow them. I prefer the flamethrower, its fun for the whole neighborhood.

I made macaroni and cheese from scratch, with real cheese. It cost about $18.00. Now I can only afford the Kraft kind. I’m the Irony Chef.

So Monday and Tuesday sucked. But, with the right mix of caffeine, alcohol and mushrooms, Wednesday doesn't even have to happen at all.

I wanted to be the voice of reason, but settled for being the murmur of excuse.

After intensive research I have determined that there is no type of juice that a double shot of vodka doesn't improve.

Doing caffeine. The gateway drug to consciousness.

One nice thing about not having kids is a house full of unbroken crap.

Monday isn't so bad if you: skip work, get hammered, join a gang, get a piercing, bang a hooker and buy a giraffe.

It’s Tuesday that sucks.

When your only weapon is alcohol, every problem looks like a relative.

It’s not sarcasm if you mean it.