ncguk

@ncguk

ncguk

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@ncguk best tweets
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ncguk
"James, would you like a cup of tea?" "I have no direct knowledge of liking tea, but I'm happy to find out if I do and get back to you."
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ncguk
"We spent so long looking for the Higgs boson, and all the time it was in our hearts." -- Higgs Boson Christmas Special
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ncguk
A horse walks into a pub. "Why the long face?" asks the barman. The horse, unable to understand language, eats a beer mat.
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ncguk
Breaking news: BBC royal wedding expert Fearne Cotton describes royal wedding as "Brilliant".
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ncguk
Normally when an inhuman creature is intent on destroying the country, Doctor Who turns up and stops him from privatising the NHS.
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ncguk
COBRA has concluded that the best way to reach out to London's disaffected youth is for the Prime Minister to change his name to D-Cam.
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ncguk
Coldplay fact: Coldplay is a euphemism for necrophilia.
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ncguk
Somewhere in the world there's a butterfly sitting drunk in a bar terrified that it's responsible for what's happened.
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ncguk
If Cameron uses the phrases "we're all in this together" or "big society" today I will travel to London and kick him in the monkey onions.
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ncguk
Qualifications are overrated - I didn't do any A-levels and I've got this fantastic job wanking off drunk men in car parks for small change.
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ncguk
People are picketing the KFC down the road demanding that Colonel Sanders steps down. Nobody's safe.
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ncguk
I also put Princess Diana down on the Census as she lives in my heart.
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ncguk
Good news: I have vetoed David Cameron as he is not in Britain's interest.
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ncguk
"Day 2 in the Big Society. Everyone has died."
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ncguk
Police are warning local residents that gangs of opinionated sociologists are gathering on street corners in various areas of South London.
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ncguk
Snowing update: it is still snowing. Try not to panic and remember, the snow is more frightened of you than you are of it.
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ncguk
Strange to think it's 14 years since a drunk Princess Diana flew her Mercedes into the Twin Towers.
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ncguk
Dale Arden: "Flash, I love you, but we only have 14 hours to save the Earth!" Flash: "Buffering."
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ncguk
Advertisers: I don't want to follow your product's adventure on Facebook. Your product is shit and Facebook is a howling soulless void.
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ncguk
Dear Mr Galliano, as I hear you have some free time, could you take these trousers in and have them back to me by Thursday? Thanks.
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