If the moon was the size of a grape, it would fit inside your mouth.

Franking got the OK because none of these government dicks saw 'Crack in the World' (1965).We need more sci-fi nerds in high office.#r4today

Hot dog, jumping frog, health inspector closes food outlet.

Buy her a frying pan

Archimedes' number myriakis-myriostas periodu myriakis-myriston arithmon myriai myriades is 1 followed by 80 quadrillion zeroes

I really hope the BBC sort out this intrusive zebra problem: http://t.co/Ecd5LNkQ

Just confirmed The Flowerpot, Derby for April 19th - details and more dates to follow http://t.co/X7LaZDVh

Frasier. Frasier presses his face up against the studio glass and stares through it at Roz, silently mouthing the words "CUNT SLICE"

No-one should say 'cool beans'. Ever.

I have a brilliant new business model I'll put my head in this bucket and you can all fuck off.

http://t.co/KzENbJyG I've been putting the selection box I got for Christmas to good use.

If men stopped holding doors open for them, would ladies just pile up outside?

Driving to work through the mist, leafless trees prop up the heavy, pastel sky. A magpie forages by a discarded bottle of piss. My England.

What the hell, China?

http://t.co/SDbsOJR9

Prominent chanting of "You can stick your rubber bullets up your a***" #9nov

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

I've got 99 Citroëns and the BX ain't one.

Do your #raw images lack the color and sharpness of your #JPEG files? Check out this free LR preset: http://t.co/0aD6Dw4N via @presetsheaven

Bonus Adam Buxton RT @UPROXX: Tom Cruise Gets A Letter Is The New Hitler Reacts (Maybe) http://t.co/7VqkYoS

Off my tits on apple crumble