Dreading a sunny weekend, as it will most likely provoke the shit-apes next door into having a shouting and muffled basslines party.

"Dr Trotters, where were you this morning between the hours of one and three?" "Squeal, oink oink grunt." "You win this round, Trotters."

Starring Basil Rathbone as the coquettish Inspector Flirty and Bolton Wanderers football club as the village of Laverstoke.

On Film4 at 2.30pm, a mad pig stalks the streets of Victorian London murdering carnivorous prostitutes in tepid thriller 'The Hamstrangler'.

This morning I have been riding the white-peaked time sheet rapids in the luminous orange kayak of extreme boredom.

BBC headline: "NHS 'paid £17 for pizza base'". I haven't read the story, but if it was a pizza base on the Moon, that's a fucking bargain.

"It was a radioactive spider, dad – why didn't you use a condom?" "Peter, I swear I thought she was on the pill."

The new Spiderman film reveals Spiderman's true origins, showing Peter Parker's dad having sex with a spider.

This damnable heat has taken the starch out of my Jaffa Cakes.

Had a dream about a nurse cutting out a section of my skull for biopsy while I was sitting on a stool in a hospital ward, fully conscious.

"Fucking stoat wanking super flange!" Morgan bellows, hurling a smoothie at the TV screen. Seaweed and kumquat juice bedaub the plasma.

Meanwhile, in a tasteful Los Angeles apartment, a dressing gown wearing Piers Morgan yells "spunk juggler!" at a televised Jeremy Paxman.

I say "best". I mean "stuff that wasn't quite as excruciating as this".

I get the feeling my best work is behind me.

TV idea: 'Sex Cops'. Drama following the team of policemen and women who take victim support to an erotic new level.

Ed Miliband responds to "muttering idiots" comment by calling the Prime Minister "Gayvid Lame-eron" and making a face.

"Hello, my name is Ally McBeal. I work in a wacky law firm where wacky things happen and we're all so wacky and whimsical and DIE DIE DIE."

Remember 'Ally McBeal'? What a hateful sack of whimsical crap that was.

TV idea: 'Furniture Squad'. Documentary series following the elite police unit tasked with buying sofas for the Chief Constable of Wessex.

TV idea: 'Banjo Cops'. Drama about a special police unit that attends crimes and plays appropriate banjo music. Episode 1: Sad Pluck.