When the alien currently implanted in my sinuses matures and bursts through my skull, remember that I attempted to warn you of the invasion.

What? I don't have that new car smell anymore?

In bed wearing leg warmers while eating a Manwich and watching the Smurfs. All I need is a slap bracelet and it's 1987 all over again.

I can smell a horndog from a mile away.....

When I pee in the shower, standing tall & proud, I feel empowered like a man. When I poo in the shower I feel nothing but remorse and shame.

Apparently, most men have names for their penis. Is this so they have something to cry out while masturbating or am I over thinking this?

It's a good thing they make large drill bits, otherwise glory holes would be hard to make.

No names to protect the naughty...

I've tasted the Mojito and now I have a problem --I'm almost out of Mojitos.

Where I live, families who can't afford to exchange Christmas presents exchange bodily fluids instead.

If you really — truly — embrace the meaning of eternity, you'll accept that Orville Redenbacher and Col. Sanders will eventually french.

If you drink enough alcohol you can no longer feel the need for an antacid.

I have a whole bunch of terrific followers...I really don't like when a stray asshole sneaks in...

Finally got my heat REALLY working. Time to get naked.

Now I lay me down to sleep....

mariah carey's perfume reeks of old news, jizz and hot wings.

Worried about Ashton Kutcher's continued happiness, I googled images of aging vaginas.Turns out there's a lot to worry about... sorry, Ash.

Mark my words. There will come a day "Was forced to listen to Party in the USA on repeat" will become a legitimate defense in the courtroom.

My fingers are so cold that I bet even Adam Lambert would turn down an ass fuck.

Got caught this morning, in the faculty lounge, deep throating a long john. Sure hope no one tells his wife.