I hate it when all the guys at work align their hormones together and wear the same color shirt. What next? Ovulation?

I see more and more women with hyphenated last names. See, this is what you get when you give them rights.

On certain issues, I constantly ask myself: What would George Carlin say about this? Normally my answer is: Go Fuck Yourself

It's only a walk of shame if you didn't get laid. Otherwise, it's a walk of fuck yeah

Know what I hate? Dealing with dreamy people who have unrealistic expectations for whatever it is they're pursuing.

Man, I wish I was a blue-eyed brunette, or an eccentric Canadian coffee drinker, or a naughty fruit. I'd be cool too.

There's never been a terrorist attack on Kentucky soil. Why? They have guns. Everywhere. Big. Fucking. Guns.

You can tell that someone is big into dancing because they tend to write like they're all over the place.

One way to be successful is to prevent people from knowing how much you suck.

"Facebook and Twitter are the electronic versions of primates throwing feces at each other."

I got trapped in the Earth's crust for 3 months and all I got was this crappy mining shirt.

I like to sit in traffic behind manual trans cars that don't hold their brakes at red lights and slowly push them forward into intersections

High school reunions are a great time to relive your past - laugh about growing up - meet your son.

A lot of gay men are still in the closet because they're trying to match their scarf with argyle socks.

You know what's cool? I meet people on Twitter based on their personality, and THEN I find out what the hell they do

Good thing it was raining: woke me up better than coffee. Damn mascara is runnin down my face though.

We are all born an original. Most of us die a copy. All of us die smelling like Domino's cheesy bread.

It's after 4, and I just found a dryer sheet hangin out of the front of my shirt

Two things that local online 'dating' sites have shown me: 1) I match well with Down's Syndrome 2) Must move immediately

Thanks a lot, asshole media. Now we'll never get to see the greatest golfer in the history of mankind play again. KUDOS.