If you urinate in the corner of a room, while completely drunk, is it common courtesy to keep it quiet, or tell the funeral home director?

Is it a bad omen when a hearse pulls behind you in the McDonald's drive thru?

Since my whole family still isn't speaking to me, I think, no I KNOW that this truly is an Easter Miracle. Thank you Jesus.

Never tell your wife that her "Big Fat Ass" makes your cock look small. Turns out they don't like it when you call it a cock.

My wife says I'm stupid for being on Twitter so much. Now, trust me when I tell you that this woman's Farmville is FUCKING HUGE!

Just got back from something called a Kindergarten open house. It was completely lame. No liquor anywhere. I did huff some glue though.

Does anyone else think jelly when you see the abbreviation for the state of Kentucky, or is it just me?

If any of you people are friends with my wife on Facebook, I am so sorry about the 250 photos of our Christmas tree. She's fucking nuts.

I've been busy drawing erotic artwork on disgustingly dirty cars. My wife disapproves but the neighbors are loving it! It's my wife's car.

I've been counting the wrinkles of my scrotum, now I need someone to confirm the data.

I like to rub my wife's episiotomy scar, and tell her how much I love her Frankencunt.

The morbidly obese lady that lives down the street from us has a cat named "Oreo". I fear for that cat's nine lives.

The ice cream truck came through the cul de sac while I was in the shower. Currently waiting in my bath towel. Almost missed out.

Do colostomy bags always come with a straw?

I had to go meet with my daughter's new Kindergarten teacher. All I could think about the entire time was the typo on the Welcome letter.

My kids and I were making a bird feeder for wife's present. She took over because we were not doing it RIGHT. Happy control freaks day!

Vagisil tastes nothing like the real thing.

I got noticeably aroused this afternoon when my wife's grandmother took out her dentures and began to simulate fellatio on an ear of corn.

Do you guys ever feel like making sweet, sweet, love to the Fail Whale's blow hole while 8 little birds lick your sphincter?

I just masturbated using recycled bacon grease. YOUR FUCKING WELCOME EARTH!