My youngest was just on my scale shouting "look Mommy, I'm on you're crying machine". Fucking asshole kids.

I walked a mile in your shoes, and you're even a bigger asshole than I thought.

My GPS says: "Estimated time of arrival". I hear: "Time to beat".

I just put Red Bull in my coffee maker instead of water and now I can see noises!!!

I am so fucking pissed off at my boyfriend, so I just pulled down my pants and flossed my ass with his pillow.

Today I feel like a tampon. I'm in a good place, at the wrong time...

True love is built on a foundation of trust. Sweet, hot, sweaty, dirty, naughty, sexy, naked passionate trust.

Ever pull out your wallet from your coat pocket and your bra from last night goes flying across the counter at Starbucks? Oh. Ya. Me neither

Anyone who says I'm racist hasn't seen my porn collection.

I smuggled a whole bunch of booze in to work today using my stomach.

Are women supposed to shake the nozzle after pumping gas? Or is that a guy thing?

Boyfriend: Why so long in the ladies washroom? Me: Well, if all the stalls are busy, we all have nipple sword fights until they're free.

Caught sleeping at my desk today, I raised my head and said, 'in Jesus' name, Amen!' My Boss is fucking meeting me at church this Sunday.

Just pulled my pants down fast because I really had to pee and the stuck 'Always' pad just fucking half Brazilian-waxed my vagina!

You're still complaining about not getting stars?! You sound like a circle jerk fag... try saying something funny, asshole. You're welcome.

If I died in my sleep tonight and went straight to hell, it would take me at least three weeks to realize I'm not in my marriage anymore.

You bring the booze. I'll bring the vagina. You're welcome.

I just walked in on my boyfriend and saw that his dick was in a tube sock... so does it really mean he is cold?

I just saved a lot of money on car insurance by switching.....my car in reverse and driving away from the accident.

Just because I weigh as much as TWO women... doesn't mean you had a threesome.