Just got a fail whale. Thought this was a new year. Oh well.

3am. Never seem to sleep. Eating store brand cookies. Wondering where I went. Wondering if I'll be back. Remember I have a twitter account.

can't wait until i'm 40 and can legally go pick up a pizza in my pajamas without having to pretend i'm stoned

In the 70 minutes I was out of the house today, the number of dandelions in the yard went from zero to 344. I can clearly never leave again

That ShamWow guy better look both ways before crossing the street.

just tangled with the ass end of a rutabaga. had no idea rutabagas had ass ends. missed that day in school. both enlightened and horrified

The quart of milk in my fridge that says "liquid egg whites" on the side is not good on cereal.

debating deleting facebook. not my account - all of it

a friend's phone suggests that "Otto" is a typo for "irritable" - it's like they know me

skimmed half the intro of that book about how to stop being a hoarder, then returned it to the library on time. means i'm cured, right?

If Facebook had a "you're a moron" button I'd have about 50% less "friends" but 5000% more fun

Kissed a cop's horse, punched the governor, stole a fire truck and crashed it into a McDonald's. Totally sober. Ate 17 Krispy Kremes tho

"That's no moon; that's a muffin from Costco."

I can't find the error code in Google but I'm pretty sure this error message says "iTunes can't connect to this iPhone because fuck you."

in my living room a visitor is discussing why she's a vegan and i have a strong urge to go listen to her talk, with a giant plate of bacon

asked the cat to bring me cake. that went badly

6yo is watching "revenge of the sith" (yes, kids are weird) & i glanced at screen & thought hey, i didn't know nick fury has a lightsaber

cleaning my office; found some ewoks. who do i call? lucasfilm? cops? animal control? CDC?

really should have bought those uncrustables earlier. now it's 2:30am and i have to make my own sandwich like a fucking normal person

i am nothing but a collection of knee-jerk jokey reactions, mostly from 80s movies