Some days you get angry about cancelled plans and some days you just clap with delight and take your pants back off.

Twitter makes me feel like a ninja. Following people, blocking shit, throwing stars.

I'd like to hear an actual dove cry to see if Prince has just been bullshitting all of us.

I truly don't see the point of trapping Snooki in a giant ball if we're not going to make her roll around in it like a hamster.

Yeah, this Christmas tree is going to have to be way funnier before I give it a star.

I'd jingle to maybe third base, but never all the way.

"He went to Subway!" - Jared's girlfriend

Always hesitant to follow based on a single funny tweet. Always scared that the ones I didn't read are all "PALIN 2012! SHE IZ SO PRETTYY!!"

I'll know it's time to end it all when my fingertips are too fat to put Bugles on.

I really scare myself when I just injure a mosquito and then whisper "Tell your friends."

Honestly, I'll probably be more of an honorable mention wife.

You know when a dad falls asleep while cradling his baby to his chest? That's how I look all the time, only with my phone, on Twitter.

If you're going to drive a Hummer, you might as well go ahead and splurge on that personalized "BABYDICK" license plate.

I HAVE 1000 FOLLOWERS! OH MY GOD, IT'S FINALLY HAPPENING, I'M TRANSFORMING INTO A BEAUTIFUL oop, nope, still horrible.

Outrageously discounted egg nog without an expiration date! I have a really good feeling about this!

Hey guys, what's a "butterpersonality"?

I'm circling typos in newspaper coupons, so you were wrong when you said I'd never use my English degree, Mom.

I got 5 new followers and instinctively checked to see if my underwear was showing or if a boob popped out.

Okay, time to take a shower and get ready for my big night of putting on a different set of pajamas!

Today I discovered that, whether I'm 6 or 26, I won't notice when I've spent an entire day with my underwear inside out and backwards.