wine's easy once you figure out that "too much" pairs with everything.

being vegetarian means i won't eat my dog after I strangle him to death for waking up the baby. it's the humane choice.

how about a bridge to everywhere? problem solved.

let's go to chipotle and make some bad decisions, people.

argh, my kingdom for a bigger kingdom.

the journey of a thousand miles actually starts with like 999 miles, which, eh.

All of you: You're a tremendous disappointment to your mother and I.

btw, did anyone ever give parliament the funk? seems like they really wanted it.

I can be in my car 30 miles away and if my son pees, it gets on my shirt. It's some kind of penis miracle.

the point is, ray parker jr. didn't do it because he wasn't afraid of no ghosts. he did it because bustin' made him *feel* good.

try eating the recommended serving size of cereal. that shit is disappointing like jon stewart's goatee.

I don't know about love.



But that diaper was definitely a battlefield.

rock 'n' roll parenting 101: listen to rock 'n' roll. like, all the time.

Ambrose Theodore Evans
Born October 22nd, 2009.

You're the Only One Who Poops #failedchildrensbooktitles

if women had arrow keys i could make them feel as good as i'm making my laptop feel right now.

Are you there, Pie? It's me, Patrick.

I brought you into this world, potato latke, and it is I alone who encompasses your doom.

the baby is finally asleep. i'm gonna go smoke all his weed.

Baby Update: His poops are starting to come out the perfect color. The taste isn't quite there yet.