Forget the melting polar ice caps, the most devastating element of the future will surely be how many grandmas have tramp stamps.

Swimming is pretty fun for an activity where all you do is just not let yourself die.

The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.

Save some last names for the rest of us, Anderson Cooper.

A unibrow is like a chastity belt for your face.

Dude, you're gettin' Adele

The guy who invented the backseat-windows-can-only-roll-down-halfway feature really overlooked the fact that no one would want that feature.

I'm done learning new things until someone can prove to me that we won't have Google forever.

Old people love Jesus but hate anyone that looks like him.

Imagine how long pornos would be if they showed the part where they fell in love first.

If the guy who shot Osama didn't say "keep the change ya filthy animal," he totally blew it.

Are we all just gonna keep pretending that those things on Morgan Freeman's face aren't there?

I doubt there's a murderer under my bed, but I'm not gonna risk it by hanging my leg over the side.

Just saw a fat guy balance his McDonald's cup on his stomach while texting. Wouldn't be shocked if Windows 7 was his idea.

Just saw a 300lb guy wearing Sketchers Shape-Ups.


That's like a cancer patient taking a Flintstone Vitamin.

Just took a huge Nicolas Cage movie.

"Let's tell people about our waffle and then not do shit for 100 years." -Belgium

Why cut the tension with a knife when you could just cut the person causing it?

Imagine how awkward the 'oh by the way, your farts make sound' conversation is with a deaf person.

I'd rather watch every last drop of bathwater evaporate around my dad's naked body than help someone move.