I wear an eye patch when I download music illegally.

How to get me naked? Just sit back and wait. Eventually I will pour half a glass of juice on my shirt.

There are some things you just can't unfuck.

Looking for a guy who'll spoon me until I fall asleep. You will get no sex whatsoever.

You may jerk off on my tummy if absolutely necessary

I don't mean to blow my own horn, but I happen to be pretty good at blowing other people's horns.

These days exorcism means you have to call Satan to evict a priest from a child.

It's friday. I'm drunk. I have no pants on. Just the way it's supposed to be.
Oh wait, was I supposed to bring someone home with me?

Speaking of anal.

Yes.

My wrist hurts. When undressing for shower, managed to trip over own pants and fall down.

Conclusion: Pants are evil and dangerous.

Being unemployed isn't so bad. It enables me to focus more on my hobbies, like crying in the shower, eating cheese and Twitter.

I bought a t-shirt that says "I'm getting pretty good at masturbating". If nothing else, maybe it will get me a pity fuck.

Is there a vibrator in my pants or am I just happy to Oh, I'm happy alright.

When your only tool is surrealism, balloon jackrabbit submarine helium knot.

Best thing about these human tragedies like earthquakes is that adding a twibbon and joining a FB group make them easy to get over.

I wanna get shanked in the shower. Whaddaya mean that's not what it means?

The best thing about depression is being naked all the time.

I love myself. I think. Or then it's just Stockholm Syndrome.

Stop retweeting everything you see, you assholes!

I wear my heart on my sleeve.

No, that's a booger.

The other sleeve.

I just remembered, I am European so I should probably say something about the Berlin Wall.

It had nice tits.