made an amazingly realistic origami vagina. in completely unrelated news, i have a severe paper cut on my penis.

the main thing i look for in a woman is desperation.

girlfriend upset over text i sent saying i didn't love her anymore and it was over. i told her not to worry, it was meant for someone else.

the sexual tension in here is unbearable - i hate being in elevators alone.

once every 7 seconds i think of something completely unrelated to sex.

don't you just hate it when you think you've bought a mail order bride on a chinese language website, then realise you've adopted a panda?

the good thing about being 6' 6" is that if i develop a bald patch, no one will see it.

unless you're using google earth.

if you don't want me to stare at your big, bouncing breasts, wear a bra... mister.

he's my french step dad... i call him my faux pa.

don't worry i won't tell anyone.. and if i do, i'll tell them not to tell anyone.

i've got an idea for a movie about Lindsay Lohan teaming up with a prison informant.

it's called LiLo and Snitch.

i have a moving image of jesus on my pc monitor.

i guess you could say it's my screen saviour.

overweight peolple shouldn't wear horizontal stripes unless they're in prison.

seeing as everyone thinks i'm a girl, if this tweet gets 100 stars in 24hrs i'll put gf's pushup bra on and change my avi to a boobie shot.

isn't it embarrassing when you walk past someone as a snowflake falls in your eye and you involuntarily wink at them...

and grab their bum.

technically it's not stealing if i put my neighbour's underwear back on her washing line once i've worn it.

this new hooded bathrobe keeps falling open at inappropriate moments.

i'm like a jedi sex pest.

why do obese people drive the smallest cars available and how come they don't pass out after dispacing all the air in the car?

she had a pair of cherries tattooed on each buttock.

i didn't know whether to hold, nudge or go for the jackpot.

i think my granny meant "condo" when she said she enjoyed two wonderful weeks in a condom in majorca.