I keep a fake journal claiming I've done monumental stuff so if I ever have amnesia, I'm gonna think I'm AWESOME!

I think the most exciting part of sex is when I turn on the light and the couple finally sees me.

If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I'd go to the hospital because that sounds serious.

If "she'll be riding six white horses when she comes", she's probably a little more woman than I can handle.

I bet the Catholic bishops are having a hard time cleaning up the sex abuse scandals because they can only move diagonally.

I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with body image issues.

I think the funnest part of a prostate exam is when I fake an orgasm.

I think it's amazing that four of the greatest artists of all time were named after the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

A volcano erupted near Eyjafjallajokull, Iceland, which is coincidentally the same exact sound you make while running away from a volcano.

I sex you, but I'm not 'in sex' with you.

I think if babies were invisible, it would be even more awesome to watch breast feedings.

I think it's important to remember that woman aren't sex objects; women are sex people.

Christmas Parenting Tip: If a kid asks for a kitten, tell them Santa flies at such a high altitude that all the kittens freeze to death.

Pandas probably have black eyes because they're assholes.

I think that if Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh had their brains swapped, the world would be better because that surgery sounds really risky.

I think if lions got over their fear of chairs, the circus would be a lot more fun to watch.

They say not to bring a knife to a gun fight, so I'd bring a kitten because what kind of sicko would shoot a guy holding a kitten?

I think the best thing about having a mom with a new boyfriend everyday was all the balloons I'd find in her bedroom trash.

I think the best case scenario would be that the case is full of money.

I think the funnest part of masturbating is the drive back from the zoo.