I was going to collect homeless people, but they lose a lot of their value as soon as you take them out of their cardboard boxes.

4th grade daughter randomly asked: Would you rather be rubber or steel? Me: You have a bright future making Facebook quizzes.

Ironically, I resisted having a cellphone for years & laughed at people who couldn't live w/o them. Well played Karma, you're still a bitch.

Hell is having ADD with OCD. Not only are you distracted by all the shiny things, you have to make sure they are spotless.

You may be hitting rock bottom but you're making a damn racket on my ceiling.

Every time I think Twitter is only for the intelligent and witty I look at the trending topics & remind myself all cities have a sewer.

Women! I don't want to hear how much labor hurts. I was shot in the left nut by a paintball gun 3 ft away. I had to lie down for an HOUR!

Still searching for a way to monetize disappointing people without actually entering politics.

Reality checks never bounce.

My problem is I have *just* enough talent and charisma to never be reality tv star.

The brighter you are the dimmer your view of the world.

The one thing about living alone again I'm most looking forward to is the constant nakedness.

Disposing of a dead Christmas tree is always a little traumatic for the kids.
I may have overdone it with the chalk outline and coroner.

My daughter had Pajama Day at school recently. It's nice to see the schools preparing the next generation for unemployment..

An attractive woman just smiled back at me as we passed in the intersection. This may invalidate my whole theory about being invisible.

After this week I deserve a fucking beer. Check that, a fuck AND a beer. Or three. Both would be nice. Neither is likely. Beer is a maybe.

Wondering why funny jokes don't get stars is the new wondering why bad things happen to good people.

You can't find happiness at the bottom of a bottle because that usually means your prescription has run out.

Deleted my Facebook and it only took my friends and family three months to notice.
It helps explain how I was "lost" in the store as a kid.

I'm not staring at your boobs, my spirit animal is caught in your headlights.