What is the female version of morning wood? I has it.

My back is killing me. I'm looking to hire someone as a Breast Holder. I can't pay you, but fuck, you get to hold my boobs WITH consent!

Omfg this guy was talking to me at the chiropractor & Aidan says 'is this gonna be my daddy?!' EARTH PLEASE OPEN UP & TAKE ME! D: mortified!

My sister is taking Aidan to church. I will have my own services at home. Note: This tweet contains a euphemism.

I don't trust anyone that eats their steak well done.

Am I insensitive for seeing the pic of a 94y/o man when he was in his 20's & thinking 'I would've hit that like the fist of an angry god!'??

When I'm wearing flipflops and walking down a quiet hall where it echoes, it sounds like my feet are shooting out lasers, and it's AWESOME!

Telling someone that you want to bang their dad never gets any less awkward.

Thre was another girl at the zoo wearing the same shirt I was.

...my boobs looked better in it. ^___^

My almost 40 year old aunt just drunk dialed me. She's getting smashed, while singing Black Eyed Peas, and I'm at home watching 20/20. FML.

You know that pain you get right on the side of your ass & thigh from having rough sex a day or two before? Me either.

Noticed in movie sex scenes, chicks always force the guy's hand on boobs. Funny. IRL, men seem to need no coercion even at non-sexual times.

Love that my sis used all my tampons. Asked her to replace before her wknd trip bc I won't have a car & she leaves $20. Hope that will hold!

Told my sis if we didn't go to a bathroom so I could pull out my wedgie, my ass would have an orgasm. Was overheard; they looked intrigued.

Dear Liza,
Wearing a thong under your dress is still a poor life decision.
No love,
Your Cotton Filled Ass

iPhone claims 'You've never been able to do so much with something so small'. Clearly, they never heard about my ex knocking me up...

Chex Mix's slogan is that it's 'A Bag of Interesting'. I wish I would've known that before I spent all that money on this bag of cocaine.

I just saw a commercial that had a tuna taco in it. Laughter ensued.

I'm wasting the best years of my life trying to find an amusing spin on it in hopes that I am rewarded with an e-star bukkake via Twitter.

FYI: I don't give a shit about the movies you put on your iPhone. Especially if they're chick flicks. Especially if you're a dude. Nut up!