Just so we're all clear, "Traditional Marriage" is the exchange of livestock for unrestricted sexual access to a man's daughter. Lovely.

Gary Glitter has joined Twitter, presumably to show he's still down with the kids. Wait. No. Forget I said anything!

The Talented Mr ███████. #superinjunctionmovies

Who Wants to Stay a Millionnaire #ToryGameShow

"We would have less arguments if you weren't so pedantic all the time." "Its, erm, 'fewer arguments'."

Someone needs to point out to Ed Miliband that £6k a year tuition fees is *still* £6k a year more than he paid for his education.

Imagine if it had been called "The Very Lonely Caterpillar". Suddenly all that overeating makes sense.

So the #Dorries vote wins 67-61... There are 650 MPs, which means FIVE HUNDRED AND TWENTY TWO didn't turn out. Shameful.

This is worrying: http://t.co/pibW7GtD -- job applicants being asked to hand over their Facebook password to facilitate background checks.

If you're telling us not to protest, Mr Clegg, maybe you shouldn't have misled us about representing the left-wing in the absence of Labour.

According to my budget spreadsheet, I'm £20.77 'in deficit' for this month. Does this mean I can go and pick on a disabled/elderly person?

That Joke Isn't Funded Anymore #cameronsmiths (utter genius from @JamieCutteridge!)

@FirstDateHell Spent whole date telling me how she only dates guys less intelligent than her; misspelled "fantastic" in her follow-up text.

Why do BNP/EDL people standing for "indigenous rights" all look like they would have benefitted a little from a wider gene pool?

I tried to break up with a girl by saying I "loved her like a sister". Who knew it meant something different in Norfolk? Wedding's tomorrow.

Sorry to channel Bill Hicks, but if anyone reading this tweet is an estate agent, surveyor or lettings manager: kill yourself.

Using "yourself" in place of "you" does not make you sound more formal, it makes you sound like an idiot.

@missellabell How many Freudian analysts to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change it, the other to hold the cock... LADDER, I meant ladder!

German sausage-based puns are the wurst.

@stebax Imagine a slow-motion shit passing through an unguarded fan while Angela Merkel breaks her fingers trying to stop it spinning.