I just told Juan Valdez to take the morning off. Looks like you'll be pulling a double shift today, Jim Beam.

Leave the hookers alone, dude, and get your ass to your philosophy class. Never put the whores before Decartes.

Clicking the Twitter "remember me" button is the new "Push Button for Signal" at the crosswalk.

Roses are #FF0000, Violets are #0000FF, I <3 your 17" MacBook, and your twitter avatar, too. #nerdpickuplines

Introduced myself to the pretty new neighbor. And by "introduced myself" I mean "blocked her driveway so she had to ask me to move my car."

Dude, reading Wikipedia so that you can win trivia night at the pub does NOT count as "studying for the bar". Puh-lease.

My newest superpower? Making the phone ring by filling my mouth with toothpaste.

Making a pot of coffee so I can start getting ready to go out and have coffee. Hello, Monday.

Christian Bales' drapes don't even match the drapes.

One day Twitter will realize she's been everyone's back-up plan, and then we'll all be sorry.

HOCKEY IS SO MUCH MORE FUN SINCE THEY INVENTED THE INTERNET.

Gain a job, lose 6 followers. I'm either funnier when I'm broke, or you people just enjoy watching me slowly starve.

Don't look now guys, but @topherchris just added "MySQL for Dummies" to his Amazon wishlist.

[smug comment denigrating someone's heartfelt post, without actually referencing the poster]

I JUST PULLED A MUSCLE IN MY SHOULDER ADJUSTING MY SLANKET AND THERE IS NOBODY HERE TO GET THE CHOCOLATE DONUTS ON TOP OF THE FRIDGE FOR ME

You guys know that you need to use a condiment, right?

Being head over heels for someone appears to have a detrimental effect on my ability to write snarky and/or smartass tweets. Who knew?

I like my bourbon like I like my females: 16 years old and all mixed up with coke. (495)

The greatest trick the devil ever played was making everyone think we voted a progressive to the White House.

I may have lost three years worth of Tumblr posts, but I've gained 4 Twitter followers.