Just when you think people can not get any more stupid, the mint green hummer rolls up and whispers "guess again, bitch."

Just had the best typo "husbang." Cause you know, he's my husband and well, you can see where this is heading.

Just because I'm working from home doesn't mean I shouldn't also be drunk, right?

This guy in front of me is driving like an idiot. It's nearly impossible to drive, tweet and watch him. Nearly. As hazardously.

Orthodontist today, jury duty tomorrow, can't believe I didn't schedule a pap smear to end the week with a bang.
Who knows how to part-tay?

I couldn't look more like Mama Cass today if I was choking on a ham sandwich.

I've slept with @joeschmitt. And I plan to again. #lameclaimtofame

Did Obama mention anything important? Like who Michelle is wearing or something else we really need to know??

It's a shame Mercedes don't come with turn signals. Also apparently BMWs don't have gas pedals.

Listen day, I will fucking have your head. Let's turn this bitch around while it's still early enough to save it.

Distance was his best feature.

Is this really all there is? We live, we die and somewhere in the middle we have nice sheets? What's it all about?

@joeschmitt if that's your excuse for not vacuuming, you'd better be dead when I get home.

I reject today and this renaming of the Sears Tower.

Dear coworker: shut the fuck up. Seriously. I think my ears are bleeding. I can't believe you are still yammering on. Really? Still? Shut up

I hope those are the sounds of a bunch of assholes moving out.

Just spent 20 minutes searching for my car key until it dawned on me the mechanic probably needed it to work on my car. As ridiculously.

Competitive-eater compares his plight to the civil rights movement. Really? Rosa Parks called, she hopes you choke to death on that hot dog.

Didn't know why a group of boys was giggling at us. When we left they yelled "bye Harry Potter!!" Unrelated @joeschmittlookslikeharrypotter.

Here's the thing. Kevin Costner? Disgusting. That is all.