Sometimes I star my own tweets, but I use my left hand so it feels like someone else is doing it.

My erection lasted for more than 4 hours. I called my doctor, but he didn't seem too impressed, so I showed it to some people at the mall.

How do you get jizz off of a cat? What if it's not yours?

The cat, I mean.

Juan is the loneliest plumber. Chu is just as sad as Juan. He's the loneliest plumber since the plumber Juan.

Blow jobs are like loading the dishwasher: if you ever want it done again, don't complain about the technique.

I need someone to follow me into the bathroom and whisper softly in my ear, "You ate beets yesterday. Stop screaming."

I'm an atheist, but I kinda get the feeling that God's putting together a killer Hollywood Squares cast.

I like to tweet at night, because drunk people will star anything.

As the old saying goes, "You can't unfuck a monkey."

My body's decided that the best way to let me know I'm getting older is to occasionally divert a pubic hair to one of my eyebrows.

Next time someone says thanks, respond with 'You're whale cum.'

If they call you on it, pretend to be appalled. Send me the video.

I'm not just looking for a blow job. I want a blow career.

When my doctor gives me a prostate exam I like to moan "Mmmm, deeper."

Freaks him out, but not as much as when I try to cuddle afterward.

I said, "I don't like the way you stare at me when I'm naked."

He said, "Sir, please leave the grocery store."

That's right, I'm a comma-lover. We're here, we're pausing, and then we're pausing, again.

There are too few children's books that discuss sex honestly. I think my book, "Mommy's a Screamer, Daddy Likes It in the Ass", will help.

I look awful in photographs. Also in real life, but the photographs hurt more.

As I get older, it's getting harder to figure out where to stop shaving.

I can almost fit my cat's entire head in my mouth.

You got your still talking in my shut the fuck up.