What do you get if you cross an octopus with a cow? A stern rebuke from the Research Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of funding.

I'd like to see MC Hammer and MC Escher collaborate. You can't touch this! It's actually far away. Trick of perspective. IT'S ESCHER TIME.

I'm giving up the past tense for Lend.

Fool your defrosted lasagne into thinking it has been cryogenically frozen for over 3000 years by pretending to be robot while you eat it.

Dear Sir/Madam, Do you think I sign off my formal letters inappropriately? Yours, with a love that burns as bright as a thousand suns, John.

A British remake of Speed: A bus driver doesn't know the route and keeps driving past stops. The passengers are too polite to say anything.

"Do you expect me to talk?"
"No Mr Bond, I expect you to SING!"

Goldfinger - The Musical

Infamously difficult to kill, Rasputin never actually died. In fact, he recently appeared as a model for H&M. http://t.co/JWI5gQt4

An email saying your McAfee virus protection has expired is a lot like someone telling you the hamster guarding your house has wandered off.

I like how the "save" icon on computers is still a floppy disk. It's like if road signs all had pictures of horses on them.

Sometimes life is easy, like wheeling backwards on an office chair. Other times it is difficult, like wheeling forwards on an office chair.

Hold a penguin up to your ear and you'll hear the sound of a zookeeper shouting at you to put the penguin down immediately.

After his claims that he could "remember when rock was young" geologists estimated Elton John to be over 4 billion years old.

We built this city on avant-garde jazz and now I'm lost and it doesn't make any sense and the road signs all just say "Dig!"

I am imagining no possessions. Where are my socks? This is terrible. You didn't think this through John Lennon.

Redefine the term "Freudian Slip" by going back in time and putting banana skins in Sigmund Freud's orifice. Office. I mean office.

New Facebook sucks! Where's the poke button? I don't remember friending this squirrel! Oh ..my mistake, this isn't Facebook. This is a tree.

You can tell why the Grand Old Duke of York had 10,000 followers. Classic tweets like "Going up a hill! lol" and "OMG Going down a hill!"

I accidentally dropped a piece of paper into a rockery. Utter carnage. The rocks never stood a chance.

Staple removers are great aren't they? A second chance when you get carried away by the excitement of using a stapler. We've all been there.