You can tell the lowest class because they name their children after the most expensive things..

I wonder when my mom will realize her cats aren't really my sisters?

If you're patient, and you wait long enough... nothing will happen.

No matter how successful a woman is in her career, when she goes home, she is just an ordinary girl who wants to be handcuffed to her bed.

I asked my girlfriend for a lap dance. Instead, she gave me a lap top!

If I can see your nipples, either your t-shirt's too tight or you need a fucking bra. And I am talking about you, guys.

If you're wearing a polka dot blouse, you're asking for anal sex.

Fuck you to people who are always trying to tell other people how to tweet.

If you sing on the bus, I assume you had blow job last night.

I will go shopping with a female midget if she has a mustache

Told my cat Rocky, from now on he can only meow 140 times a day.

I'm trying to pretend I have a life right now.

My mom would have fainted if she ever read my tweets.All the while,she thought Twitter is a cute bird who was constantly chased by Sylvester

I feel bad... I just told someone to Fuck Off on twitter... I meant to say Please Fuck Off....

Is Twitter down? My timelines doesn't seems to refresh. And my dick is sleeping.

If you're addicted with Facebook, you're doing it wrong. Wait! Don't cross over to Twitter. You're actually doing it right on Facebook.

Age has no bearing. Some assholes grow old but they never grow up!

The only Parkour stunt I'm good at is jumping on the couch with my left hand grabbing the tv remote on the side table.

Remember, if you see a big flash light coming out from the sky, that's not a UFO. That's Cher's concert.

Am I supposed to flush the shit when someone before me forget to do it?