Reminds me of the time your dad helped OJ get away with murder. RT @KimKardashian WHAT!!??! CASEY ANTHONY FOUND NOT GUILTY! I am speechless!

Take a look at trending topics and you'll realize why they have to write "do not eat" on dry silica packets.

Paula Deen has no one to blame butter self.

I got 99 problems and they're all luftballons.

It's easy to make fun of the 70's until you realize that everyone was snorting coke & having wanton sex in discos & we're staring at tweets.

When someone asks me "how's it hanging?", I usually just show it to them. I'm a busy man, no time for chit-chat.

My life coach advised me to run out the clock.

People named Perry I'd like to see elected President from best to worst:
1. Joe
2. Matthew
3. Tyler
4. Katy
5. Rick

I'm going to change my profile pic to a pair of slammin' tits & just tweet about how horny I am. Should have 10,000 followers by Thursday.

Too sick to walk to the drugstore. Anyone have a recipe for turning meth back into cold medicine?

Dear God: Should we help restore our economy by taxing religious institutions? Speak up if the answer is no.

I can't remember the last time I smoked pot. Or what I had for lunch today. Or my neighbors' names. I might have smoked pot 20 minutes ago.

Calling yourself "most trusted name in news" is like claiming to be the most handsome member of The Ramones.

Marc Anthony dumps J Lo's ass. Sir Mix-A-Lot pulls up quick to retrieve it.

I always check behind the toilets at Italian restaurants. Found seven guns so far.

I knew I wasn't a brilliant musician when I didn't die at 27.

What's the name of that reality show where rough-looking people risk their lives while catching crabs? Jersey Shore?

Don't even think about talking to Paula Deen in the morning until she's had her first cup of butter.

Am I married? Nagger, please.

I'll give money to Wikipedia if they stop deleting my entry about Harvey Wallbanger inventing the glory hole.