Human interaction is like free jazz. It's complex, it has a life of its own, and even when it's good, most people just wish it would stop.

Dance like no one is in the dark corner of the room, in an open bathrobe, smoking a hookah and reminding you who paid your bail.

Cats are like old people - we laugh at their eccentricities, pretend to love them, and wait for them to die so we can get a dog.

I may not be the only egomaniac, but I'm the only one that matters.

I miss when "your mom" jokes were just nasty, rather than the used up, twisted abstractions they've become. Same goes for your mom actually.

This Halloween I'm going as the asshole who says, "Actually, you're Frankenstein's *monster*."

It's so diabolical I didn't see it until just now: the Windows 7 ad campaign isn't about listening to users, it's about distributing blame.

"Why do I have to wear two pairs of underwear?" she asked as I buckled her car seat. "Be quiet dear," I said. "Daddy wants the leaderboard."

Being a Yankee fan is like hanging out in a van by a playground. It isn't inherently wrong, but people will always question your motives.

I'm so tired I just pooped in the sink and washed my hands in the urinal.

Kidding! I didn't wash my hands.

And I'm not that tired.

I'm no longer using the Internet to take passive-aggressive jabs at unnamed individuals (unlike some people I know).

Wife said she loves the sound of a man cleaning her kitchen. Seems like a long way to go for foreplay, yet here I am, searching craigslist.

All I'm saying is, if there's an elephant in the room you may have more pressing problems than Uncle Jerry's alcoholism.

Yo Swede, I'm really happy for you but 'less we go Dutch, ain't Norway I'mma let you Finnish this Danish.

I told my doctor I'd start eating better the day farting stopped feeling so great. We sat in silence for a few minutes. And then we hugged.

Japan: If It's Taboo To You, There's A Good Chance We've Already Put It In A Vending Machine

Flipboard won't tell me where the nearest abortion clinic is.

I like to stay just overweight enough to feel like it's probably fine to double painkiller dosages.

You only live once. This year, ruin a neighbor's Nativity. Stop wondering what it would be like.

I have farted
at the cat
on purpose

and scared
he leapt
violently
from our bed

Forgive me
he is too warm
and his face
was like right there