One night stands in hotel rooms just don't do it for me anymore.
...That's why I always ask for a bed with two night stands.

The best stress reliever I've ever found in life is not giving a fuck.

How do I unfollow real life and just keep you guys?

The only thing worse than finding out you were given up for adoption would be finding out it was Rick Astley who gave you up.

My wife's half Brazilian.
...The bottom half. For the next four weeks, give or take a day. Which is awesome.

I've never understood why they call mute people "dumb".
The dumbest people I know never shut the fuck up!

People who find all their answers in the Bible aren't asking any of the important questions.

Does constantly rolling your eyes while someone else is talking burn many calories?
I'm asking for my wife.

Waldo's fucking Carmen Sandiego right now.

Somehow, despite all the odds, they found each other.

Me: better or worse?

Her: better.

Me: How bout now: better or worse?

Her: WILL YOU STOP!? It's a clit, not an eye exam!

Me: sorry.

I put the anal psycho in psychoanalysis.

Every time a woman I'm banging screams "NO!", I sing "♫TORIOUS!♪". That way, it's a Duran Duran duet and not rape.

All this white pollen is fucking up my sinuses big time.

*snorts another line off mirror*

I think my wife didn't wear sunblock at the beach today because she was running out of things to bitch about.

Wifey got so horny last night, I caught her gluing cucumber slices back together.

I'm fairly certain that I'm the worst roommate my wife's ever had.

The reason I unfollowed you is because you tweeted "Everything happens for a reason."

Wifey: "What's this world coming to?"

Me: "Internet porn, last I checked."

Wifey: ".........."

Absinthe makes the heart grow pretty flowers right outta your chest that unicorns graze on while a tiny elf poops in your mouth. Apparently.

You guys think you can spot plagiarized tweets?

All mine have been direct quotes from "Muppets Take Manhattan", and no one's busted me yet!