Putting aluminum foil in my crotch to keep his dinner warm.

Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

FILTH: Fathers I'd like to hump.

If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.

I wish I could put my whole fucking house in the washing machine.

Lady came to front door & asked if I'd donate to new pool they're building for kids. I told her to hang on & came back with a glass of water

I don't think I could ever stab someone. I can barely get the straw in the Capri Sun.

I think opinions are a lot like orgasms. Mine will always be more important and I don't give a flying fuck if you have one.

I told my husband that my g-spot misses him... just like he always misses my g-spot.

Note to self: Self does not want anymore notes. Fuck off.

I wish I got sex as often as I get screwed.

A vagina is warm, loving and juicy. The cunt is the one that owns it.

It's not the size of the train. It's the ability of the train conductor, to remain in the station, until all the passengers get off.

Twitter should have a warning on it like cigarette packs. "Studies have shown that Twitter can be harder to quit than Heroin or Cocaine."

Women don't fart until they get married... that's when they get an asshole.

Some men have no dick in their pants because they put it all in their personality.

I'm bringing sexy back. Do I need a receipt?

2,4,6,8...Who do we appreciate? Someone who fucks us good so we don't have to masturbate!

I want a banana in my split...Oops...typo..I meant I want to get fucked.