Well, it didn't start out as a thong when I got dressed this morning.

If I keep procrastinating like this, I'm going to end up back in yesterday.

In the midst of family crisis and the first thing they say to me is "Please don't Tweet about this." PROUDEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE.

"Hey, I have an idea I'd like to run by you."

When you hear that coming from family, it's code for:
"Makin' plans to fuck with your life."

Frankly, I don't get sexually harassed enough.

Dear co-workers:

My apologies. What I meant to say was "Reese Pieces" - not that a peanut buttered flavoured penis doesn't sound enticing.

I burned my ass sitting on this heating pad too long. I have welts. ON MY ASS!

If that doesn't have sexy written all over it - what does???

I need a GPS that communicates to me in a more meaningful way. For example:
- This way
- That way
- The other right

Life is full of peaks and valleys ~ and I'm in the fucking drainage ditch.

When it comes to love, I'm probably more of a heels over head than a head over heels kinda girl.

Even on Twitter I feel like the last soul left in the bar ~ lights on, chairs turned up, staff staring hoping I would fucking leave already.

Do you ever wake up from a dream wondering how the fuck your mind even came up with that?

I think @KimKardashian can afford to man up & donate her $18M profit from her scam wedding to charity. Help a lot of people & abused animals

Won $10 on the lottery. As promising as this looks, I'm thinking I may still have to re-evaluate this as my only retirement savings plan.

BOSS: Are you pregnant?
ME: Fuck off.
BOSS: Well, you look all puffy.
ME: It's my allergies.
BOSS: Your whole body?!
ME: Fuck off.

ME: So, why don't I have a six pack?
TRAINER: You do. There's just a big fluffy duvet on top.

Well, that diet lasted 12 minutes.

My shortbread cookie just fell into the cat's water bowl. Boy is this a dilemma.

It would be nice if something other than this hair brush pulled my hair for a change.

Coworker: "You must really like Apples."
ME: "Not really. They make me fart. I eat them anyway."

Turns out he was referring to my computer.