Facebook Lite?! Good lord! I wish Facebook and Twitter would stop all the pretense! Have sex and get it over with already!

I ran with a running group this morning.

One lady told me about her biosimilar hormone replacements.

You can't unhear shit like that.

Kanye wants the Jackson Family's blessing to crown himself the new King of Pop? This douche's life is a series of throat-punchable offenses.

I don't wanna do anything today. No work. No homework.

I don't even want to go for a ride in a Mylar balloon to promote a new reality show.

I'm about to deepen my chemical romance with Starbucks.

Does anyone know where the lines between "snack," "meal," and "binge" are when it comes to Double Stuf Oreos?

The speaker's talking about how Science has touched children.

"Now, show me on this doll where Science touched you..."

Just told a telemarketer he had a wrong number. From his surprised response, I think I just blew his mind.

Do computers dial wrong numbers?

#ThanksToLOST I now appreciate how Television can be seen as Art, and feel it can be studied just like written literature.

It's 1:30pm. I'm still in bed trying to drag my ass out.

I'm only getting up because people are starting to wonder if I'm still alive. #Iam

Earthquake off of Samoa, eh? Seems Mother Nature wants to wipe out this season's Survivor contestants, too.

Sitting in a VERY long meeting. They're trying to make it interactive and fun, but it's making me want to punch myself.

I'm watching Dancing with the Stars.

Not really.

I'm actually watching Brooke Burke. She's so talenHOLY HELL LOOK AT HER BOOBS!

I'm not the nerdiest guy in the room.

There are people here worse off than me.

They're in costume.



I don't even know where to start.

Any word on if Iran still needs my location to be set to "Tehran" and my avatar to be green? I'm unsure if that meme is still a thing.

In the Doctor's office waiting room. Dude two seats down is drumming on his knees to a song only he can hear.

Maybe that's his ailment?

I smell like Soy Sauce.

RELATED: I wish I didn't have this huge stain on my pants. :/

Is pretty excited about the big, one-eyed cock staring at him tonight while he Tweeted on the couch!

I made it to the Favrd leaderboard! :D

Craving sushi, I drove down to my favorite local spot, and they were closed!

Did they not know I had a craving??

#tunafromacanisnotsushi

Wow. They're filling in all around me.

I'm waiting for the inappropriate touching from a stranger to start.