A web developer walked into a bar and was fine because the tables were being used as tables.

I follow you, but I'm not "in follow" with you.

I've had Wild Child's Renegade Master as an earworm for about 20 years. Should I phone NHS Direct? Does that even still exist?

My favourite part of the budget was when George Osborne cracked open the briefcase and all the ghosts poured out and everyone's face melted.

There's more artistry in this still from Kubrick's Barry Lyndon than in all 144 minutes of Michael Bay's Transformers: http://t.co/snaGXazQ

And that is why I love Twitter.

The early 90s called. They want this joke structure back.

Oh shit. https://twitter.com/#!/BreakingNews/statuses/46165953683263489

My PHP code brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like "Warning: Supplied argument is not a valid MySQL result resource".

No amount of obscure indie bands will soothe your soul.

Maybe he's born with it. MAYBE IT'S WOLVERINE.

Every time I have an idea for a project, it quickly escalates to include the measurement of all particles in the universe.

Putting a transparent layer on my avatar to raise awareness for all the invisible people in the world.

Today is the day we celebrate Guy Fawkes shaving Natalie Portman's head by making Stephen Fry fry bread with an egg in the middle.

In other news, I'll be leaving Carrot Media at the end of this month. If anyone has any job leads for a PHP developer let me know.

Idea for Studio Ghibli film: a young Japanese girl enters a world with... what the hell is that thing? Anyway, they end pollution and war.

What I'm saying is, I want a version of Twitter where everyone is over thirty and wears a cardigan and is as confused as I am about dubstep.

A retweet is a great compliment. But sometimes it's like pointing a dog's face at its own shit.

@BellJarred This is the one I use to make myself laugh. http://t.co/Dnmm68BN

I put the lime in the basket and the lotion in the coconut and now I feel sick AND someone's wearing my skin.