I'm so glad Twitter is virtual, imagine the chaos if a large contingent of beautiful drunk women followed me around in real life!

I just told my son it's rude to read over my shoulder when I'm on twitter. He said "Dad, I can't really read, you should probably know that"

When I think I'm going to go past my 140 characters, I type faster. Like somehow I can outrun it and quickly post.

My tweets would be a lot funnier if you read them in the crazy accents they are written in.

Relationship counselling in 1 hours time. Only 3 to go. I hope I get a certificate at the end, or a happy marriage... whatever.

Overfollowed and understarred.

I love that 3 second pure adrenaline rush you get after you push send and you wonder "I hope I sent that as a DM"

Went to an anorexia anonymous meeting to flirt with women...

Slim pickings.

There's no confidence like 'shaved balls' confidence.

Exactly 7 days ago I decided I needed an outlet, a voice, and decided to start an anon twitter. Thank you all! Hugs and kisses and shit...=)

I don't need spellcheck, I need does this sentence make any fucking sense check.

A crazy bitch receptionist just started barking wildy at me, she must be able to smell my wife on me.

No, you're frantically deleting DMs before your wife gets home!

My twitter pyschiatrist (who is awesome) suggested I stop flirting with bad girls here. I agree! I should start spanking them.

The project manager on site thinks I'm writing notes in my diary, he doesn't know I'm writing down my feelings and drawing unicorns.

Everyone likes a good side-boob.

Side-testicle? Not so much.

You accept the love you think you deserve. 'I deserve hot dirty sex with twins' has become my new chant when meditating.

While you're all tweeting about your adorable children, it's probably the wrong time to tell you how good it feels to have shaved balls.

My wife is on the other couch watching a Pamela Anderson sex tape and I'm on my iPhone hitting refresh. I. Need. Help!

I watched a doco on male genitalia and i can proudly say I am above average. Turns out most guys only have two testicles.