I forget. At a formal dinner, on which side of your plate does your phone go?

I guess elitism's not for everyone.

We're pretty much uniformly repulsed by walking in on someone when they're masturbating. And yet, open mic night.

Want to gain followers?
Do what you love, have fun talking about it.

Want to lose followers?
Do what you love, have fun talking about it.

Proofreading is my worst enema.

California's subtle genius is that gay men can still marry gay women. Total loophole.

Does anyone remember the URL for that site "Let Me Google That For You" or know how I could find it?

I want to believe Julie when she says her cramps are so bad she can't go get me a drink, but between you and me, I think she's ovary acting.

Every last Senator who's received ≥$100K in campaign contributions from the entertainment industry supports PIPA. http://t.co/SU588pgf

Huh.

Waste Management just told me that, to protect the landfills from contamination, they don't pick up dirt.

Go ahead, reread that.
I'll wait.

It's like Republicans all attended alternate universe kindergartens, where "me first" was taught instead of "share and share alike."

If there's a confusing double negative that can't not go unused, I've done nothing if not neglected to exclude it anywhere but here.

Social Media (n.): The exchange of your life's potential for the belief that everything you do or say is meaningful to a crowd of strangers.

She said "yes." Yes, that "yes."

OMG CODEPENDENCE IS SO EXHAUSTING. DONT YOU THINK SO TOO? DONT YOU THINK CODEPENDENCE IS EXHAUSTING TOO?

Seems like some people are invested in the current sporting event, whereas some other people are not invested in the current sporting event.

Parents in the middle school drop-off lane wouldn't recognize civility if it beat in their empty skulls with a rusty crowbar.

From "total friend" to "oral fiend?" iPhone, I do believe I underestimated you.

[Shake]
"There is nothing to undo."
Nothing to undo? Oh iPhone, you and I have lived entirely different lives.

Sarah Palin saying she wishes Letterman would "evolve" reminds me of the time my dogs asked me to explain the science of thunder.